Reflections a year on from the start of Barcelona lockdown

Mar 15

It’s March 15, 2021, a day that is burned in my memory as one of the biggest milestones I’ve ever experienced. Today marks a year since the start of an intense Barcelona lockdown that saw me leaving my house only once or twice a week, to go to a shop no more than 100 yards from my building, for several months. All of my work as a consultant and a yoga teacher immediately stopped, either because the projects were deemed optional as clients focused on how to stay viable in this context or because, well, yoga studios in a pandemic = bad idea.

I’ve said this more than once and meant it: 2020 turned out to be the best year of my life. It was one of the most difficult of my life, but the stillness, the isolation, the lack of ability to distract myself in the myriad of ways I didn’t even realise (as a mindfulness teacher) I did… I arrived more deeply home to myself. Stripped of the pressure of hustling for work, of over-delivering to impress and endear myself, of holding space and giving energy to others, I came home to myself. The self that’s below the ego, underneath the personality, not defined by what I look like or what I have achieved.

Don’t get me wrong when I say 2020 was the best year of my life. It was also one of the hardest. When the Universe pinned me down and said ‘you think you know how to be still, eh?’ I STRUGGLED. My ego came out swinging. ‘How dare you! How will I pay my rent? How will I define myself if I can’t sashay about in the world? Do I matter if no one can see or hear me? This is So. Not. Okay.’

And so I thrashed about for a few weeks. Struggling. Refusing to accept that there was nothing but stillness and facing my fears of it. It felt excruciating. Like having my skin peeled off in strips. In the four walls of my bedroom, with nothing to do and no busy-ness to distract myself, things started to come up and to fall away.

I discovered magic. In the silence and stillness I had avoided before, I had space and attention and a single focus that allowed me to see LinkedIn invitations to connect as what they are: invitations to connect. So I reached out to strangers and saw clearly a network of fellow warriors for change, stretching round the world - all from the comfort of my own home. We were magnetising each other, this fighting force. See? MAGIC. I worked with a collective called KaiFlow, who are focused on flow state and clearing anything that takes you out of that pure, magical state of being, of truly knowing and being aligned with yourself. I shared my deepest hidden self with fellow ‘hidden creatives’ and discovered my inner, raging creativity that had been there all along. It changed how I see myself in the world and what I know I’m capable of. It made me start a podcast, ‘The Discomfort Practice,’ which is still my favourite thing to do. See? I’M MAGIC.

I discovered myself. And I made her my best friend. I realised I could either fight with myself forever, treating myself harshly for perceived shortcomings, pushing to try harder, do better, no-pain-no-gain my way through life like the cowgirl I am (yeehaw)… or I could step into my Divine Feminine, loving myself with soft strength, letting myself flow and seeing every choice as part of the patchwork of my beautiful life. And I found out I really, truly like myself and my own company. I’ve spent more time alone than I ever thought I would, and I discovered that I was never lonely. Because I had myself.

I discovered my gifts. Society melted down a little bit (or a lot) , we have gone through collective trauma and a LOT of people woke up to realities they had heretofore either ignored or simply been unaware of. I no longer feel alone, because a LOT of people now seem to realise a) our planet is on the brink of irrevocable change that will impact our survival as humans and b) we live in a deeply unequal society and our systems treat humans as commodities to be pumped for cash, worked like robots and herded like sheep. Lots of relationships ended. People who never thought about things like climate change or #blacklivesmatter became activists, or at least more aware. People got therapists… And, personally, I got way, way more spiritually committed to my spiritual practices, ranging from daily meditation to silent retreats, rituals to reflect to asking for guidance from the Universe. Here’s where I get shy but I’m going to say it anyway: I discovered my energetic gifts. I discovered that I have an intuitive knowing about what’s going on in society and in people. I feel and I know and I’m here to help guide. I discovered that, simply by setting an intention and then forgetting about it - ‘sitting back’ and focusing simply on doing the things that bring me joy - I can magnetise invitations. For work I love that is aligned with who I am. For connections that are so crazy and magical they can’t possibly be an accident. For friendships that go down to a soul-level.

I’ve let a lot of things go over the past year, but it was a Sacred Shedding. I made space for myself, and subsequently made space to be who I am and what the world needs from me. I’m at home in myself, happily cuddled up with my Divine Feminine side, confident in who I am and what I’m here to do. 2020 was a very good year. It brought me here. I’m ready to seed some storms, grow my tribe of fellow magicians… and change the world.